It’s the Little Things
That’s what it came down to in the revisions on this MS. I didn’t realize it until I was actually in it. That making my heroine more assertive was a matter of her meeting the hero’s eyes instead of looking down before she spoke to him. That a few subtle changes in her body language, and her tone, made a conversation a whole new thing.
And eventually, made the book different too.
I went through this when I was working on revisions for His Virgin Acquisition too. In my first revision letter for that book my editor pointed out that my hero wasn’t as alpha as he might be. At first I thought I would have to change…everything. But that wasn’t the case. The foundation was there, I just hadn’t executed it quite right. I found it became a matter of making him more decisive. His questions became commands, his manner more authoritative. The changes were subtle, but impacting.
This is an example of the changes I made in my last MS. This is version 1:
Lazaro watched the delicate color drain from Vanessa’s cheeks. “I don’t…I don’t know if I…”
“We have an agreement Vanessa. I intend to honor it.”
And he intended to let Michael Pickett know just how much control he was assuming of his assets. That he didn’t just have his daughter, but that he’d played the part of savior for the venerable Pickett family business.
“It seems like too much,” she said, her eyes on a blank legal pad in front of her.
“A fair exchange, I think.”
“It all seems like too much,” she said.
“Do you want to back out?”
“I don’t…”
And this is version two. A large part of the focus of my revisions was making Vanessa less passive, making her more assertive and confident.
Lazaro watched as Vanessa’s cheeks flushed with angry color. “No.”
“We have an agreement, Vanessa. I intend to honor it.”
And he intended to let Michael Pickett know just how much control he was assuming of his assets. That he didn’t just have his daughter, but that he’d played the part of savior for the venerable Pickett family business.
“I am not getting myself into that much debt. Not with you.”
“Not a loan, an exchange. A fair one, I think.”
“Hardly. I feel like you’re…buying me.” She spat out he last words as though they were something distasteful.
“Do you want to back out?”
She snapped her mouth shut, tightened her jaw. “I don’t…”
Anyway, this is the kind of changing I did throughout the entire MS. Making her less cowed by him, having her stand up to him, show some spin. (because spine looks good on a woman!)
I think it gives a different feel to the scene, and a whole different vision of Vanessa’s character.
It’s not always about the big *delete* *delete* *delete*. (though it can be!) Sometimes those little things can make a massive impact. And that means paying attention to what it says about your heroine if she meets the hero’s eyes or looks away, what it says if she takes a step toward him or a step back.
This has been a very thought provoking and important revision process for me…and I really did enjoy it. Hopefully this helps some of you out too! And hopefully, I’ve done my job and my editor likes it!
Comments
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Geez, you really are no good a pimping. This is a great learning curve – the before and after of an revised scene is a gold! *shakes head* We need to talk… 😉
Murphy (who loved what you did with that. You make it seem so effortless – when I know it’s not. Good Job!)
Murphy, I will gladly take your pimping course when you start it. 🙂 I’m glad you liked the scene changes!
Thanks for sharing this. Seeing what other writers do is really inspiring as you tackle your own editing.
Hi Maisey,
I followed your link on Twitter to this post as I just turned in revisions to my editor. You might be interested to know that I made similar small changes that had a huge impact in my historical romance. Those small tweaks really can make a big difference. I think it’s cool that you showed the before and after.
Cheers!
That’s fabulous, Vicky! Best of luck to you. I had to click over to your website and that’s a lovely cover you have there! I’m a big fan of Historicals, and I’m definitely going to have to check it out…
*groan* maisy, you have no idea what you’re in for!!
LOL she is good though.
I’m going to say, “well done!” and throw grafitti, or confetti, whichever you prefer 😀
Those subtle changes are important. I love it!
Leona
Thanks, Leona…I’m trying not to be skeered.
Julia! I missed your comment. Best of luck with your editing!!
As you say, it’s the little things, but what a difference those little changes can make.
Thank you for sharing it was very inspirational 1
Alexandra, it really is amazing how much those things…no verbal things and little tweaks in dialogue, can do to a character. My heroine’s actions weren’t quite reflecting the position I had put her in life, and I’m hoping they do now.
Desere, I’m glad! Thank you for commenting!
It’s subtle huh? But you did so well with this. I’m sure the ed will LOVE. 🙂
Really great to not only read your thoughts, but read the before and after too, Maisey! She seems a completely different person, although the scene is the same one. Very useful and powerful stuff!
[…] just read a first chapter of a new story from one of my my CPs, Maisey Yates. It’s easy to see why she is pubbed and I’m not yet. Her chapter zings and sizzles. It […]
Great post Maisey! Thanks for sharing 🙂
Sally, I’m glad it worked for you! And really, any time someone can learn from my mistakes, rather than making them…well, that’s my goal!
Lacey, anytime! 🙂
Great post! I’m in the midst of thinking about how to make a hero more alpha without changing who he is. I’ll be on the lookout for small moments like this. 🙂
Thanks, Ruthie! Hope it goes well for you! 😉